broken hearts

i remember as a 'kid' thinking my heart was broken. oh the drama. that was nothing
compared to what these little ones can do to me now.



i guess i was being prepared for motherhood. if only i'd have known, i would have learned the lesson a little better.

we started adding breastmilk into garet's bottle last week. he did not tolerate it well. we tried again this week, still no dice. we are thinking 1 of 3 things:
1-i haven't cut enough allergens from my diet
2-i haven't waited long enough for all the allergens to work their way out of my system.
3-he is allergic to lactose and no matter what i cut he won't be able to drink mama's milk because my body produces lactose to create the milk.

unfortunately we are leaning more towards #3...(for those of you keeping tabs on the diet...we are now at: no dairy, no eggs, no nuts, no wheat and no soy). we are still planning on adding in a few ounces every week or so but if the current trend holds he may not tolerate breastmilk at all. i know this shouldn't be a big deal, millions of children are formula fed every year, but i am a huge breastfeeding advocate so i stress about it. it is really taking a toll on me. not only am i having to care for an infant who drinks at least 2 cans of $40 formula a week, i am having to pump 4 times a day and am donating that to a milk bank in california. it makes me feel better, but as i package up my 2-300 ounces of breastmilk every monday i can't help but cry and know that all of this should be in HIM-not in bags in a cooler!!!!
there is a silver lining, some children grow out of lactose allergies by 6 months so i have 3 more to go and i'm praying, hoping and holding my breath that he will outgrow this.
........take another little piece of my heart.........
caleb has a 'jog across america' day at p.e. once a month. for every lap you run you get points, the class with the most points every month gets a trophy. my ultra-competive child quickly learned the more people he had come jog with him, the more points he would get. plus guests of kids get 5 points a lap instead of just 1. so today was the day. i rushed garet to my mom's work (she was still working but agreed to stroll him along until she got out in 1/2 hour or so.) then rushed over with ethan to the school (more people, more points). caleb was excited to see us especially since we were late and we started out great! ethan was entertaining all the big kids and showing off just like usual. we got about 1/4 of the way done with the 1st lap and noticed caleb much preferred to roll in the grass, chase his friends and goof off instead of jogging with us. so we left. it was so sad. i was heart broken. we had had so much fun together jogging in times past, he would even hold on to my hand as we ran along!! when did i lose my perch? do you think these kids actually know how strong of a hold they have on us? on the way to pick garet back up from mom's ethan said it best....
"my heart is sad"

veteran's day

so i'm a a week late, but heck-i have 3 boys, that's not bad...this week we talked a bit about veteran's day and how grateful and lucky we are for those who fought for this country. i wonder if they ever imagined it would be like it is today. i wonder if its just a coincidence veteran's day is so close to election day? anyways-caleb had last monday off which was a bit intense, but since the weather here is still gorgeous he enjoyed spending the day outside doing little boy things. you know-stick fights with the dog, potions out of dirt and leaves, and of course sliding down mud filled slides-it as great! we didn't really get a chance to talk about why he had the day off(my fault) but he talked a lot this week about veterans-who they are are, what they did, etc.. he's a pretty patriotic kid and loves the flag and (being so close to ft. bliss) he knows all about soldiers. so out of the blue yesterday comes this conversation. i tried to remember it word for word, but i am sure some will get lost in translation:

c:mom-do we have any relatives in the cemetery?
m: yeah buddy we do
c: who?
m: oh mostly people you don't know-most of them died before you were born
c: they're all DEAD?
m: well yeah-that's where dead people live
c: what??!! (totally appalled)
m:that is what a cemetery is, a place were dead people are

caleb is then quiet for a long time, seriously contemplating something. i wanted to ask what was up but figured to wait until he figured it out. after much thought, he hits me with this....

c: did any of them drive submarines???
m: did any of who drive submarines?
c: our relatives?!
m: do you mean, do we have any relatives in the military?!
c: yeah! you know-soldiers!!!!

i couldn't help it-i busted out laughing. then i had to explain to him that it just so happened that most of his relatives that were in the military are now in the cemetery-that was weird! not because they were shot or blown up (as would have made a better story according to caleb) but because they were old and have since died. i am grateful to those who did give the ultimate price for our freedom. i am also grateful for any who make the sacrifice to serve our country now-i know the military life isn't easy and i appreciate those who make that sacrifice. caleb loves soldiers, army stuff, guns, bombs,submarines, you name it he knows all about it. i am grateful for a son who respects those who fight for us. even if it is just because he thinks they get to blow up cool things.